A little context for those who need it: There was a stretch of time during the spring of 2020 when I felt the need to pinpoint some moment of joy in every single day. The idea was that even amidst the most unsettled and frightening of phases, we are entitled to joy. What follows is a letter to Kristin, Kenner and Braden, posted here with their permission, so that we can feel wrapped in the joy of Kellen's memory each year around the time of his passing.
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Joy of the Day, March 3rd, 2024: Oh Joy Begin
Stephen and I share the belief that music is nearly as essential to our living as are water and air, but we have a running debate about songs and the nature of their origin. For Stephen, not surprisingly, the seed and spark of a song are located in its music. But for me, maybe also not surprisingly, a song’s magic lives first in its lyrics—for me, it’s about the poetry.
I’ve long considered songs to be poems set to music. In elementary school, our school choir regularly sang an original composition written by one of our music teachers—it was Psalm 23 set to music.
*The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me by still waters,
He restores my soul*
Sitting here, I can’t call up any part of the melody of the song I sang as a child, so many years ago. But this psalm, this verse of poetry, reliably offers up delicate, instant comfort that washes over me like a gentle wave whenever I read it or hear it spoken. Maybe these ancient words will hold the same for you; I hope they do.
One of my favorite things about Kellen is his deep connection to music. I have clear memories of Kellen singing—in the car, at the kitchen table, wherever the day happened to take him and for no reason in particular.
This morning I remembered and unearthed a video of Kellen that Kristin posted on Facebook on March 6, 2014—almost exactly 10 years ago today. In the clip, a 14-year old Kellen faces away from the camera, unaware that’s he’s being recorded, singing Let it Go from the movie Frozen, which had premiered just a few months before. I’m sure all can still remember well how the song had quickly become the anthem of the moment, sweet renditions flooding airwaves and internet by the thousands, mostly thanks to tiny girls in Elsa dresses belting to the delight of a parent holding an iPhone. Kristin’s caption to the video of Kellen reads: “Frozen isn’t just loved by 6 year olds!”
Kellen marched to the beat of his own drum.
*Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway*
In Kristin’s video, Kellen eventually turns his head just enough to realize he’s on camera and in a brief moment of self-consciousness, smiles and then blocks his face from view. But then—and here’s the thing about Kellen—he just keeps singing. Knowing Kellen, and his heart, and the way his heart moved him to song so easily, and the way his heart stayed so open and so tender even after he was fully grown, makes this little video into a tiny jewel, now tucked forever among my own heart’s treasures.
When I think about songs as sung poems, I instinctively think about the Dave Matthews Band; it is my belief that the DMB catalog contains some of the most beautiful poetry ever written.
Very recently—maybe just a couple days before we lost Kellen—Kristin and I were chatting about our kids, as we so often do, and about their favorite music. We were smiling about the fact that Kellen had grown up to be a wholly devoted fan of the Dave Matthews Band...evidence not only of his terrific taste in music, but also of Kristin and Kenner’s excellence in parenting. Kellen, like all of the French and Hall children, was raised on Dave—but for Kellen the music/magic of DMB took permanent hold.
Because of this, many of the songs sent to Stephen to be included in the playlist for today’s memorial were DMB songs—those who knew Kellen best knew his favorites. Of these, Samurai Cop, a newer ballad that had never really captured my attention, came as a bit of a surprise.
*First just one step
One word and then
With laughter sing, oh life begin
First just one step
Let’s not forget these early days
Remember we begin the same
We lose our way in fear and pain
Oh joy begin*
Kellen loved this song: a poem about birth, about pain, about baby steps, and about joy. And now it will always be one of my favorites too.
Today, remembering Kellen, forever tender, forever singing, is my joy.❤️
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